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Happy Parents Aren't Perfect

Sep 23, 2013

Perfection is an unrealistic destination neither you nor your children can ever reach. Life is really, honestly, no kidding, a work in progress…always! Think about it this way: There is no state of perfection on the map and if you continually go looking for it, you may miss the really good stuff – and spoil your trip. Relax and enjoy the ride. At the end of the day, are you really going to say, “Oh goodie. I got through my to-do list,” especially if you haven’t found the time to laugh with or tickle your toddler?

In fact, “perfect” parents and yes, grandparents, (and we all know a few) pay a high price in their quest for perfectionism. Families, however, pay an even higher price because living with someone who wants to achieve perfection is exhausting for everyone.

Perfect parents are never quite satisfied and are the kind of people who hold strong opinions about how they and everyone else ought to be living or doing things. They seem to have an endless list of opinions, suggestions and ideas for everyone on everything from diapers to the care and feeding of families at every turn. You can’t help but disappoint someone who is aimed at perfection.

Are you a “Yes, but” kind of parent? Here’s what I mean by this:

* Your child gets dressed on his own and heading out the door. You say, “ Yes , that looks nice but why don’t you wear the pink sweater with those pants?”

* A report card comes home with three As and two Bs and you can’t stop yourself from thinking or saying outloud, “What happened with those Bs?”

            If you are never quite satisfied with your own or your children’s efforts, your kids are less likely to put forth any effort at all soon enough. It’s easier not to try than to be criticized. Get rid of that “Yes, but” approach.

* Give unqualified compliments.

* Always remember: Criticism deflates and diminishes self-esteem.

* To inspire and motivate kids to reach their highest potential, celebrate their efforts.

            All families go through periods of dysfunction. But I really believe that children growing up in less-than-perfect households learn to cope better with the pressures of adult life. You don’t need to protect or correct children from every crisis or every mistake.

Remember: Perfection = Stress

            Parents sometimes torture themselves in a quest to be consistent. I don’t think it’s really possible to be consistent all the time. Aim for consistently normal. Your child’s world is not going to fall apart because of your mistakes, your moods, your imperfections or your human frailties if you enjoy being a parent more often than not.

18 Jul, 2017
Alexander Stone Carr was born on Dec. 16, 2016 and I met this newest – my fifth! – grandchild moments after his birth in the middle of a long night. He stared intently, wide-awake and alert, into his mother’s eyes and actually grabbed for a necklace Maggie was wearing. Both wore falling-in-love-at-first-sight facial expressions that were absolutely priceless. And since then, Alex has only grown even more expansive in the way he can speak volumes with his little face using every muscle available, even his eyebrows going up and down in what looks like real wisdom. I mean, honestly, how did he know how to smile and make eye contact at the perfect moments? He’s also talking baby gibberish, chatting seriously about what’s on his mind…though we don’t understand a word he is saying as yet. His pure joy at being here is apparent to all, even complete strangers who engage with him.
09 Jan, 2017
Maggie had a baby boy, Alexander Stone Carr. Here they are on day 1...learning to love and totally attached to one another.
20 Oct, 2016
My daughter Maggie is going to have a little boy on or about December 22 of this year. She is absolutely thrilled and absolutely caught up in nesting instinct imperatives. Please don’t knock them. “Maternal nest-building is regulated by the hormonal actions of estradiol, progesterone and prolactin,” according to Wikipedia which references a study in the Journal of Neuroendocrinology .
15 Sep, 2016
This morning one of my siblings sent an exasperating “dig” my way. I’m one of six children and right in the middle of the pack. I should be used to family dynamics by now – after all, I’m 67 – but of course, I’m not. What is absolutely extraordinary in this ordinary world of family life, is that sibling rivalry never grows old.
11 Aug, 2016
My grandchildren are incapable of lying. Even if I have broken unwritten rules while babysitting and allowed them to pick anything they want to eat at the Red Store, Finn and Charlotte will share the news of their secret treats immediately with their mother. “Guess what Grammy let us have?!”
13 Jul, 2016
I’ve had generations of experience with what society likes to call “picky eaters.” My father had very touchy taste buds, for instance, and would carefully separate the miniscule pieces of minced onion my mother had chopped so finely into her beef stroganoff. That little pile on the side of his plate after he had finished his meal was a dead giveaway. We six children grew up knowing that dad would only eat certain foods. So when my son Zach – even as an infant – showed picky-eater tendencies, I was alarmed at first. Advice-givers, medical professionals, well-meaning relatives as well as total strangers, were everywhere. It took some research to be able to withstand the onslaught from all sides. Zach is healthy, happy and brilliant. He didn’t eat his peas. So what.
29 Jun, 2016
I cry easily at happy, sad or any kind of emotional occasion. Last Monday, all three of my grandchildren cried at different points during what was actually a wonderful day. From a sibling squabble between Finn, 5, and Charlotte, almost 4, to the emotional frustration experienced by their cousin Evie at 2, the tears fell. I often beat myself up about how easily my tears show up. My older sister reminds me that when I cry I lose all my power. Damn those tears! Or maybe not?
03 May, 2016
Watching my grandchildren at play on Saturday sent me on a quest to research just how powerful happy playfulness can be. Finn, 5, Charlotte, 3 and Evie, 2, were having so much fun that I overheard Ev say, “I love playing.” I expected to find research that supported the importance of play for growing children but stumbled upon the brilliant work of social psychologist Barbara L. Fredrickson, PhD, now at the University of North Carolina. Play and the positive emotions accompanying it, are critical for adults’ physical health and intellectual well-being.
01 Oct, 2015
I’ve been doing a lot of babysitting the last few months and there is nothing more rewarding and exhausting. There is certainly a biological reason for motherhood being reserved for the younger generation. Don’t even try to talk to me after a 12-hour day with a toddler. I am so tired that I can hardly think straight. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. Not only am I growing closer and more in love with all three of my grandchildren but it turns out that my natural instinct as a grandmother to want to help my children raise their children has evolutionary rewards for all.
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