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Making Eye Contact

Apr 21, 2014

Last week, I walked past a socially-awkward neighbor and tried to make eye contact to wish him a good spring morning. No success. His averted gaze was so striking that the residue of it stuck with me all day. I’ve been hiking past his house for more than a decade and I’m certain he knows me by sight. But making eye contact is never within his demeanor.Later, I locked eyes in an animated conversation with 5-month-old Evangeline whose smile lights up her face whenever she sees me.

“Making eye contact is the most powerful mode of establishing a communicative link between humans,” according to four researchers who conducted a clinical trial at the University of Padua in Italy. This team discovered that infants as young as 2 to 5 days old “can discriminate between direct and averted gaze” and prefer to look at faces that engage them in mutual gaze. This truth is so pronounced for all my grandchildren – Finn, 3, Charlotte 1 ½ and baby Evan. “The exceptionally early sensitivity to mutual gaze… is arguably the major foundation for the later development of social skills,” write Teresa Farroni, Gergely Csibra, Francesca Simion and Mark H. Johnson. Their study results, titled “Eye Contact detection in humans from birth,” were published by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America.

So what’s up with my neighbor? First of all, I shouldn’t take it personally. Research suggests that eye gaze perception may be symptomatic of autism or Asperger’s syndrome. According to this Italian study, there is “considerable controversy about whether making eye contact is a perceptual skill acquired through experience or caused by innate mechanisms.” Meanwhile, on the off chance that regular practice can make for better social skills, I am planning even more face time with grandchildren. Being able to interpret eye-gaze signals is “essential for developing a rich understanding of others’ mental states, often called a ‘theory of mind.’” My unlucky neighbor was constitutionally unable to read my happy spring signals.

What's in a Baby's Facial Expression

18 Jul, 2017
Alexander Stone Carr was born on Dec. 16, 2016 and I met this newest – my fifth! – grandchild moments after his birth in the middle of a long night. He stared intently, wide-awake and alert, into his mother’s eyes and actually grabbed for a necklace Maggie was wearing. Both wore falling-in-love-at-first-sight facial expressions that were absolutely priceless. And since then, Alex has only grown even more expansive in the way he can speak volumes with his little face using every muscle available, even his eyebrows going up and down in what looks like real wisdom. I mean, honestly, how did he know how to smile and make eye contact at the perfect moments? He’s also talking baby gibberish, chatting seriously about what’s on his mind…though we don’t understand a word he is saying as yet. His pure joy at being here is apparent to all, even complete strangers who engage with him.

Thanks Mom...Understanding Attachment Theory

09 Jan, 2017
Maggie had a baby boy, Alexander Stone Carr. Here they are on day 1...learning to love and totally attached to one another.

Don't Knock Nesting Instinct

20 Oct, 2016
My daughter Maggie is going to have a little boy on or about December 22 of this year. She is absolutely thrilled and absolutely caught up in nesting instinct imperatives. Please don’t knock them. “Maternal nest-building is regulated by the hormonal actions of estradiol, progesterone and prolactin,” according to Wikipedia which references a study in the Journal of Neuroendocrinology .

Sibling Rivalry Never Grows Old

15 Sep, 2016
This morning one of my siblings sent an exasperating “dig” my way. I’m one of six children and right in the middle of the pack. I should be used to family dynamics by now – after all, I’m 67 – but of course, I’m not. What is absolutely extraordinary in this ordinary world of family life, is that sibling rivalry never grows old.

Extraordinary Liars

11 Aug, 2016
My grandchildren are incapable of lying. Even if I have broken unwritten rules while babysitting and allowed them to pick anything they want to eat at the Red Store, Finn and Charlotte will share the news of their secret treats immediately with their mother. “Guess what Grammy let us have?!”

Don't Pick on Picky Eaters

13 Jul, 2016
I’ve had generations of experience with what society likes to call “picky eaters.” My father had very touchy taste buds, for instance, and would carefully separate the miniscule pieces of minced onion my mother had chopped so finely into her beef stroganoff. That little pile on the side of his plate after he had finished his meal was a dead giveaway. We six children grew up knowing that dad would only eat certain foods. So when my son Zach – even as an infant – showed picky-eater tendencies, I was alarmed at first. Advice-givers, medical professionals, well-meaning relatives as well as total strangers, were everywhere. It took some research to be able to withstand the onslaught from all sides. Zach is healthy, happy and brilliant. He didn’t eat his peas. So what.

Why Crying Is Good for You

29 Jun, 2016
I cry easily at happy, sad or any kind of emotional occasion. Last Monday, all three of my grandchildren cried at different points during what was actually a wonderful day. From a sibling squabble between Finn, 5, and Charlotte, almost 4, to the emotional frustration experienced by their cousin Evie at 2, the tears fell. I often beat myself up about how easily my tears show up. My older sister reminds me that when I cry I lose all my power. Damn those tears! Or maybe not?

Positive Emotions = Smarter & Healthier

03 May, 2016
Watching my grandchildren at play on Saturday sent me on a quest to research just how powerful happy playfulness can be. Finn, 5, Charlotte, 3 and Evie, 2, were having so much fun that I overheard Ev say, “I love playing.” I expected to find research that supported the importance of play for growing children but stumbled upon the brilliant work of social psychologist Barbara L. Fredrickson, PhD, now at the University of North Carolina. Play and the positive emotions accompanying it, are critical for adults’ physical health and intellectual well-being.

Mother-Baby Bond: Priceless!

11 Jan, 2016

The Grandmother Effect

01 Oct, 2015
I’ve been doing a lot of babysitting the last few months and there is nothing more rewarding and exhausting. There is certainly a biological reason for motherhood being reserved for the younger generation. Don’t even try to talk to me after a 12-hour day with a toddler. I am so tired that I can hardly think straight. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. Not only am I growing closer and more in love with all three of my grandchildren but it turns out that my natural instinct as a grandmother to want to help my children raise their children has evolutionary rewards for all.
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